Charmeded Series Four: Season Finale
by kaytee83
Summary: The final episode of the series shows the Charmeded ones playing wacky sports, going to support groups and... quitting? What the paige! They can't quit! Can they?


A/N: As some of you may have noticed, the current series of Charmeded has been shunted off the map. Series four, you gits! Well I regret to inform you that the show itself was deleted from fanfiction because it was "not a story". I'll let you whinge about that to yourself, it already upset me hella. But anyway, since we were up to the finale, I thought I'd just post it just to finish it off. I don't know if I'll be writing another series of Charmeded, although, of course, this series ends with a cliffhanger and so does Prue: Investigations which will have it's finale posted tomorrow, later on today, or just whenever the paige I feel like it. Please drop me a review, and tell me if you'd be "innerested" in seeing more charmededy goodness, and I hope you enjoy the finale.  
  
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CHARMEDED: SERIES FOUR  
  
EPISODE EIGHT: ALL EGGS AND NO SPOON  
  
*  
  
COLE IS LYING IN BED, WE CAN ONLY SEE HIS HALF OF THE BED. HE REACHES OVER FOR A CIGARETTE, LIGHTS IT AND TAKES A DEEP DRAG. SIGHING, HE SMILES.  
  
COLE: That was fantastic.  
  
HE LOOKS TO THE SIDE.  
  
COLE: Was it good for you?  
  
WE ZOOM OUT TO SEE HE IS LOOKING AT HIS HAND. EW EW EW.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
WE OPEN ON A SUPPORT GROUP. THE GROUP SITS IN A CIRCLE, A MAN IS TALKING.  
  
MAN: So I went home, had a chat with my bitc- I mean, wife about it, and we resolved the fuc- the uh, problem. And now I'm doing a lot better!  
  
ZOOM IN ON PIPER LOOKING HORRIFIED.  
  
PIPER: Gah! I am NOT supposed to be here!  
MARI: Now, everybody is here because they all have a problem with language.  
  
SILENCE. PIPER IS SHOCKED.  
  
PIPER: Why you little...  
MARI: *hasty, frightened* Now Piper, I know you feel that this obsession you have is only a 'habit', but-  
PIPER: What the paige! Nobody's ever called it an obsession before, that is so phucking rude!  
  
PIPER TURNS A DEEP DARK RED.  
  
PIPER: IT'S NOT AN OBSESSION IT'S A-  
MARI: Problem. Not a habit. Piper you have a problem.  
PIPER: PHUCKING SCREW YOU BUDDY!  
MARI: How rude!  
  
MARI SLAPS PIPER. IN FACT, EVERYBODY SLAPS PIPER.  
  
MAN: You phucking b*tch! You made me phucking start again!  
PIPER: This could be fun.  
MARI: My class is ruined!  
  
EVERYBODY STARTS FIGHTING AND SWEARING LOUDLY. VINCE THE DEMON WALKS IN.  
  
VINCE: Got milk?  
  
SILENCE. VINCE EXITS.  
  
PIPER: Wasn't he supposed to be dead?  
KT(OS): Shhh, idium!  
PIPER: Good thing Prue isn't here... I wonder how she's doing at her class...  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PRUE'S CLASS. YES, SHE CAME ALL THE WAY OVER FROM LA TO GO TO SOME WEIRDASS SELF-MANAGEMENT CLASS. FAIR DOS. THERE ARE ABOUT TWELVE PEOPLE THERE. CLOSE UP ON PRUE WITH A VERY STRESSED LOOK ON HER FACE.  
  
OLLY: Come on Prue, fight it, resist the urge to say the words. You can do it! I know you can!  
  
PRUE SQUINTS AT THE MILK THAT IS ALL OVER THE FLOOR... IT OOZES ONTO HER FEET. TENSION IS SO HIGH AP CAN SEE IT! SHE BITES HER LIP.   
  
PRUE: I... I'm sorry... I can't stop myself... *screams* GET OUT OF THE MILK!  
  
BAM! JUST LIKE THAT, EVERYONE LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND HOVERS.  
  
OLLY: Dammit Prue! We've tried fourteen times in the last twelve minutes and you're just not getting anywhere! Restraint is the key. You may be screaming it inside your head, but if you want everyone to stop hovering in the air then control yourself woman! Now everyone turn on your gravity boots.  
  
BOOTS ARE TURNED ON AND PEOPLE LAND BACK ON THE FLOOR.  
  
OLLY: Everybody in this room has conquered their obsession of milk and getting out of it - even Steph!  
  
OLLY GRABS STEPH AND SHOWS HER TO PRUE. STEPH HAS A PLACID SMILE ON HER FACE, WHICH SLOWLY LOOKS MORE AND MORE STRAINED. THEN HER EYEBROW BEGINS TWITCHING.  
  
STEPH: *whispered, urgent* You've got some... milk... on your boot.  
  
PRUE LOOKS DOWN AND SQUEALS.  
  
PRUE: GET OUT OF THE MILK!  
  
STEPH LOOKS IMMENSELY RELIEVED AS THEY ALL JUMP INTO THE AIR AND HOVER. CONQUERED THAT OBSESSION MY... HAIR. SHE LUBBS MILK AND GETTING OUT OF IT ALMOST AS MUCH AS OUR DEAREST PRUDENCE.  
  
CUT TO: A RANDOM GRASSY FIELD. LEO AND COLE ARE STANDING ALONE, WHIMPERING.  
  
LEO: Are we the only ones who remembered we were having a sports day today?  
COLE: I don't know, but I really want to do the three legged race with you, Leo.  
LEO: Cole, you can do anything you want with me baybay.  
  
PIPER AND PRUE ENTER. WOO PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Hey hoes.   
PIPER: Yo, onscreen lubber o mine.  
LEO: Heya.  
COLE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssuuuuuuuuuppppppp?  
  
QUITE POSSIBLY THE ENTIRE WORLD SLAPS COLE.  
  
PRUE: That was NEVER funny!  
  
PHOEBE COMES RUNNING IN.  
  
PHOEBE: Guys! Guys! The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged!  
COLE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
LEO: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PIPER: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PHOEBE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged? Wait, I knew that.  
COLE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PRUE: Something is telling me that the egg and spoon race has been sabotaged...  
PHOEBE: Well duh, I just told you and then everybody else repeated it a good three bazillion times. All the spoons have been stolen - there's only eggs left!  
PRUE: Super-sleuth Prue will save the day by finding who commited this atrocity. Naturally, I'm going to blame whoever is not here.   
  
PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PRUE: Enter our prime suspect. One Paige Halliwell Stroke Matthews.  
PAIGE: Ha! You can't prove a thing, Halliwell! You're all eggs and no spoon.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Interesting analogy, considering the circumstances.  
PAIGE: ... huh?  
PRUE: You appear to have eggs and spoons on the brain, my bittersweet half sister! SS Prue is on the case!  
  
THERE IS A PAUSE AS PEOPLE BEGIN TO SNIGGER.  
  
PRUE: What? What is it? Does the phrase 'SS Prue' have some sort of special significance I'm not picking up?  
PIPER: Oh, course not. Just the first part.  
PRUE: What, SS? *gets it* Oh ew! You guys are sick! I didn't mean it that way!  
PHOEBE: What's wrong with SS?  
PRUE: You, my bittersweet sister, are what's wrong with SS. And the world in general.  
PHOEBE: Oh, right.   
PAIGE: Uh, did you guys know that if you take the P and the E B E out of Phoebe's name, you're left with 'ho'?  
PRUE: Did YOU know, my bittersweet half sister, that if you take the I and the A G E and also the P from 'Paige', then add in an H and an O, you get the same word?  
PAIGE: Confound your superior intellect!  
PRUE: No, confound YOU, sabotager!  
PAIGE: What are you talking about?  
PRUE: As if you didn't already know. Phoebe? Will you do the honours?  
PHOEBE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged!  
COLE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PIPER: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
LEO: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PHOEBE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PIPER: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
COLE: The egg and spoon race has been sabotaged?  
PRUE: Okay that's enough, fools. Care to shed any light on the matter, my bittersweet half sister?  
PIPER: Enough with the bittersweet!  
PRUE: Quiet, bittersweet fool! Now Paige, confess!  
PAIGE: I took the spoons.  
PRUE: Ha ha! Super-sleuth Prue - not to be confused with anything to do with the OTHER SS - has solved the mystery again!  
PAIGE: Well, not like it takes very much. The spoons ARE glued all over my body.  
  
EVERYBODY TAKES A MOMENT TO - PAINFUL AS IT IS - ACTUALLY LOOK AT PAIGE. AND INDEED, THE SPOONS ARE GLUED ALL OVER HER BODY.  
  
PAIGE: I thought it'd be fun.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
COLE: And was it?  
PAIGE: The novelty wears off unbelievably fast.  
PRUE: Well, basking in my glory, I must be off to my own show now! Toodle pip!  
  
PRUE EXITS.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe! You made Prue leave again!  
PHOEBE: Again? What did I do? And I never even made her leave in the first place!  
KT(OS): Uh guys, at least look like you've skimmed the script! This is totally irrelevant!  
  
THEY IGNORE KT... SAME AS EVER. O WOE IS ME!  
  
PIPER: Oh you so did, you and your story-hogging, plot-encircled, wannabe angsty, cruddy-acted, ack, everything about you!  
  
AND JUST LIKE THAT, IT'S OUT OF CHARACTER. WELL, IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE POOR MITES GOT TIRED OUT AFTER PLAYING A CHARACTER FOR A GOOD SEVEN MINUTES! YOU GOTTA COMMEND THEM.  
  
ALYSSA: Oh that's it, is it? You still blame me for Shannen leaving don't you?  
HOLLY: Shannen, Shannen, it's always about Shannen. Why do you keep mentioning her, Milano? Guilty conscience?  
ROSE: Now guys-  
HOLLY: You shut up, you pasty faced replacement!  
  
ROSE GASPS.  
  
ROSE: How rude!  
BRIAN: Holly, come on-  
HOLLY: Oh you can keep that big apple shaped face quiet, or I'm getting the juicer! AP I hate you all!  
KT(OS): Come on Combsie, calm down hey? I mean, you know who's working at the studio just down the hallway.  
HOLLY: You're right! You are absolutely right. Prue: Investigations is a way better show than this junk! Better scripts, better characters, better actors... I quit Charmeded. I quit, I quit, I quit and I am moving to P:I. And I will make that show's ratings sky-rocket.  
  
HOLLY STORMS OFF SET. SILENCE. THE ACTORS STARE AT EACH OTHER.   
  
KT(OS): Great. As if this show wasn't unbearable enough. Now I've lost the only actor I like. On the other hand... think how great P:I will be!  
ALYSSA: KT? Um... what do we do?  
KT(OS): *dismissive* Do what you do best Alyssa.  
  
ALYSSA STARTS LESBIUMING EVERYONE UP.  
  
KT(OS): Aii no! I mean, do what you do worst!  
ALYSSA: You got it.  
PHOEBE: *monotonously* Oh my AP! Piper got kidnapped. Look at my expression! It's frightened and anxious!  
KT(OS): Perfect.  
ROSE: This isn't working KT. We can't do the show without the three sisters. It's the whole point!  
KT(OS): You're right.   
  
PAUSE.  
  
KT(OS): I'll call Penance. If that fails, Pyralis... oh she died. Damn, so did Penance! Then 'Phyre'. Hehe 'Phyre'. Don't worry guys, I'll have you a replacement in seconds. You can pick a random P off the street, the Charmeded Ones' 'mom' was such a goddamn ho. There's millions of sisters!  
  
FADE TO: BLACK.  
  
KT(OS): Or we can forget all that and just say Piper was kidnapped and have a cliffhanger. That suit you guys? Okay, action.   
ROSE(OS): KT? We're out of time.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
KT(OS): Oh, fuc-  
  
ROLL CREDITS TO CONVENIENTLY MASK KT'S SWEARING AS WELL AS THE GENERAL FACT THAT WE ARE INDEED OUT OF TIME.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
OMAP, kids, omap! What the paige is going to happen now that Piper's been 'kidnapped'? Will Holly return to the show or make good on her promise of joining the Prue Investigations cast? Well, you won't find out for a while because I'm afraid that was the end of the current series of Charmeded: The Show That's Almost Charmed But Not Quite. mAYBE FOR GOOD. wHO KNOWS? wOO wEIRD tYPING! 


End file.
